Reparenting Yourself in the Present Moment—Techniques and Exercises for Adult Children
The process of reparenting can seem really simple but it actually takes effort and consistency. What is reparenting exactly? Adult Children (of Alcoholics, Narcissists or Dysfunctional Parenting) often come from chaotic family systems. An Adult Child’s parents did not practice self-care and so they often could not extend themselves to their own children. Essentially, good-enough parenting occurs when parents can take care of themselves while also extending guidance/discipline, education, nurturing and protection to their children. So for instance, lack of boundaries in childhood may lead to difficulties with discipline and/or protection later in life.
Good-enough parenting requires nurturing, guidance & protection
How to Reparent Yourself
Dr. Nicole LaPera (the Holistic Psychologist) outlines how to begin the Reparenting process. She states that Adult Children (and really most people, especially those with insecure attachment bonding) need to focus on 4 key areas: Discipline, Joy, Emotion Regulation and Self-Care. See her video here on these 4 Aspects of Reparenting.
Discipline
A morning routine can do wonders for mental health and offering support and stability for the rest of your day. Having anchors to consistently return to each day can be incredibly nurturing. What do you like to do in the morning? Even taking 10 minutes to have a great cup of coffee or sitting in meditation or doing morning yoga quickly (and consistently) can be a great start. This morning ritual can set you up as a reminder for the rest of the day to come back to yourself, your body, your own needs and your personal intentions.
Reparenting can begin with small acts of self-care
Self-Care
It may not sound like a lot, but being able to keep up with self-care routines can be one of the biggest boosts for mental health. Having a regular sleep schedule, making healthy meals, taking the time for all doctor’s/dental appointments and taking time out each day just to rest and recharge are all vital for well-being. In chaotic or dysfunctional homes, parents didn’t attend to any of these areas personally or did so inconsistently.
READ MORE: Why It’s Hard for Adult Children (ACoAs) to Feel Feelings
As children, you may have seen both or one parents overwhelmed, raging, hyper-focused on others or collapsed and depressed. In a nutshell, they were not able to take care of themselves emotionally, personally or interpersonally– and this is how they parented you and also modeled how to live in the world! With reparenting, one actively learns to do differently and meet needs differently, even if it is a highly unfamiliar (and often uncomfortable) way of living.
Joy
Most Adult Children were robbed of a childhood. That might sound dramatic but often times there was so much stress and dysfunction in the household, that there wasn’t much room for fun, play or joy. Activities weren’t joined (or perhaps enjoyed.) Sometimes parents either placed ideas on their children about what they thought they would enjoy, rather than seeing and hearing their children’s personal preferences. As a result, aspects of fun got lost along the way. As adults, Adult Children may then find it difficult to know what they enjoy or take pleasure in.
This may be the best part of the reparenting process– you are now granted full permission to explore your likes and dislikes and what is actually fun for you! When you try a new activity or hobby, do you lean towards it? Does it start to send sparks through your body, make you smile, laugh, feel more comfortable/free/relaxed? Recently, I tried archery for the first time– and who knew it would be something I want to do regularly now? You are fully allowed to experiment and rediscover how to play.
Emotion Regulation
In alcoholic and dysfunctional family systems, everyone had a dysregulated nervous system. All members were usually pinging between fight, flight and freeze stress responses in some way. When drinking or engaging in other addictive behavior, they were trying to self-regulate their internal emotional turmoil. By using something outside of themselves, they could have temporary relief from internal pain and discomfort. As children, we learn that we should regulate in the same way. Moreover, because these family members often couldn’t reflect feelings back properly, kids are left confused emotionally– cut to adulthood, we might be confused about how we feel and may even find our feelings are not “right-sized.” As an Adult Child, you may over or under-react to certain stressful events in your life.
With reparenting, you learn to take responsibility for your own emotional life and the re-regulation of your nervous system. In therapy, you may begin to identify what you’re feeling and offer nurturing, warmth and attention to your experience. You may even learn to be creative and play with your emotional life. You may start to learn to put your feelings into words to get keener with feeling expression and communication. Moreover, you may learn techniques to “right-size” your emotional responses to be able to see them more clearly and accurately.
Working directly with nervous system re-regulation can be extremely helpful in this “right-sizing” process: essentially it is imperative to be able to register safety and comfort again. Neurofeedback, meditation and yoga are all direct ways to actively help with regulating the stress response. With regularity, feeling information may then become clearer and the ability to sit with feelings arising will increase.
READ MORE: Ambivalent Relationships & Relationship Repair: I’d Like to Get Close But Not *Too* Close
Where to Begin
You can of course do all of these techniques on your own. However, sometimes it can be helpful to come into therapy to learn these active techniques and develop a healing relationship with a professional. Heather Coleman, ACoA therapist in New York City, can work with you via in-office visits or Skype on the reparenting process. Contact Us here.