Divorce Advice from a NYC Therapist— How to Cope with the Ending
Heather Coleman, LCSW speaks of divorce advice for the broken-hearted with ways to cope through this difficult transition in a mindful, healthy and positive way.
Divorce brings up so many complicated feelings for all parties involved. It’s like having a rug pulled out from underneath you and it can feel like the world you once knew collapses.Sometimes its a slow pull and sometimes its quick like a fast blindside, but either way you end up losing your legs for a bit of time. The process can take months or even years– the actual process and then the emotional healing one. A teacher once told me “Divorce is so hard that at times it feels like a success when you can just put your shoes on in the morning.” So how do you cope with divorce, one of the most difficult transitions you’ll ever make in your life? It’s possible and it’s definitely possible to do so healthily.
Here are 3 Clear Steps to Transition Through this Difficult Time:
Take time to process the grief fully and say goodbye
Make room for your new life & have a love affair with yourself
Prioritize self-care above anything else
Take Time to Process Grief Fully & Say Goodbye
As hard as it may be, whenever you feel ready, it may be time to sit down with paper (or a therapist) and go over everything that has been lost. This may be filled with incredibly deep feelings of grief and sorrow. On the other hand, it may be great fodder for understanding, self-compassion, learning and eventually acceptance. Whenever I’ve had personal loss, transition or ending, it has made me feel more connected with others and humanity. It can be easy to forget that loss is a genuine part of life experience and a humbling one at that.
If you can manage, try to connect with others experiencing this grief process. This may be mentally connecting and visualizing all others experiencing divorce right now. It may mean reading others’ experience with divorce and how they coped. It may be attending a support group. In whatever form it might take, connection offers a salve on despair-inducing isolation.
Make Room for Your New Life & Start a Love Affair with Yourself
The biggest times of growth and understanding come from those disorienting moments where your identity and world come crashing down in smithereens. Pema Chodron was initially brought to her knees by divorce, later writing When Things Fall Apart about that journey. Divorce is of course a personal and spiritual crisis, and yet it is also a chance for transformation. If the focus is on how your are rebuilding , there may even be excitement and joy in this rebirth of yourself.
It can take time to heal on the other side of affairs, constant arguments, gas lighting and emotional abandonment. You may hear friends say: “Jump back in and take a lover! It’s been so long!” You’re more than welcome to do that, but what would it be like to have a love affair with yourself for a year?
It may be the first time you’ve had to start to consider your own needs. To try hobbies or sports you’ve never tried before. To realign with your purpose and eventually give service back. After saying goodbye, you can welcome your new life, asking yourself what you really want to include or increase right now. Maybe this is your first time of actually questioning where your time goes and what you would like to contribute to yourself and your world.
This period may also be a time to re-connect with old friends and deepen those relationships. This personal refocus on yourself is also great preparation to grow self-love and self-care for a potential next relationship when you’re ready.
Prioritize Self-Care Above Anything Else
Post-divorce can also be an opportunity to look at your own health habits. Treating yourself with more kindness and care right now will somewhat lessen the blow of change. Sleeping well, eating well, exercising and minding the alcohol intake can go a long way. People often fear and panic around their kids’ well-being post-divorce, but often times your own health and taking the time to care for yourself will allow you to be more of a stable, present and available parent for them during this hard time.
Many people have reported that going to therapy during and post-divorce was one of the most important choices they made. This is a set time where you can vent each week, receive caring feedback and then come back home more empowered and clear for yourself and your children.
Divorce is one of the most stressful life experiences that you will ever encounter in your life. It can be helpful to reach out for support with groups and therapy. Not matter how hard it can be, there is help to make the transition mindful, healthy and meaningful in order to rebuild and rediscover yourself.
