What is a healthy relationship?: Observing red, white (& pink) flags

Red flags in relationships serve as warning signs of potential problems or issues that may arise. These signals can manifest in various ways, such as controlling behavior, disrespect, or even dishonesty. They signal a need for further examination and caution. On the other hand, white flags symbolize healthy aspects of a relationship, such as open communication, trust, and mutual respect. These positive signals indicate a strong foundation for growth and connection. Recognizing and heeding both red and white flags are crucial in navigating and maintaining healthy relationships.

Growing up in a home with family dysfunction, such as with emotionally immature parents, alcoholism/addiction/drug abuse, and/or with mental illness, it can be really hard as adults (or as an ACoA) to be able to register internally what a red, white or pink flag can be in relationships. This is mainly due to the fact that healthy relating was often not modeled in the home; instead, what gets learned are a series of unwanted behaviors in relationship that make having consistent love and friendship a difficult pursuit.

Here are some concrete red, white & pink flags that you can begin to observe in all of your relationships:

Red —

1. Someone won’t respect your boundaries and doesn’t care about your comfort levels even if you’ve told them more than once that something bothers you

2. Someone is consistently being dishonest with you

3. Someone is disrespecting your body, things and space

4. They continue to show they are consistently unreliable even with communication on your end about how you wish this could be different

5. Someone is showing up chaotically in behavior one too many times and it bothers you or makes you feel uncomfortable

White —

1. Someone wants to get to know you better and takes a curiosity towards your life, though also respects that you may not want to talk about or discuss a specific topic yet

2. They can tell you when they can or can’t do something for you and they will show up when they say they will

3. They are consistent in their story and actions with you

4. They present with decent boundaries for themselves — they are open communicators, can say what they mean and how they feel and they will talk about difficult topics in relationship & stay away from those they aren’t ready to speak about

5. They are actively “working on themselves”

6. They will take space when activated or they get too emotionally dysregulated, but they will come back to discuss further at another time as long as it is safe for both parties to do so

And lastly, what is a PINK flag? I love pink flags. Pink is when something begins to register as a Red Flag and you can have a conversation with the other person about it and see how they respond. This is an early indicator or how willing someone is to communicate, their emotional maturity levels, their willingness to be wrong, disagree and be vulnerable/honest (within reason for all.)

Everyone is working on these areas in relationship to some degree and no one can show up perfectly, but it is helpful to be able to navigate the tricky territory of relationships, learn new skills to communicate openly and honestly and lead yourself to healthy fulfilling relationships.

If you came from family dysfunction (or didn’t) and want to learn more tools, skills and awareness that can be had in relationship, feel free to reach out!