Becoming One’s Own Loving Parent: How an ACoA Can Start the Journey
Photo by Benjamin Manley
Often times for an Adult Child of Alcoholics, finding the critical, harsh, shaming, attacking voice can be easy. In ACA, they refer to this voice as “the Critical Parent.” In therapy (and ACA!), someone can become more aware of these internal dialogues they have with themselves. Lo and behold, they often find that that critical voice is actually not them at all, but an amalgamation of harsh, critical material and messaging they heard from different sources growing up. Even if critical attacks were not a part of growing up in an alcoholic home, the sheer amount of abandonment that occurs can lead to developing an inner critical voice: “What’s wrong with you?” “Gosh, I don’t understand all of this fussing (followed by an exit)” "Or just…silence, which can lead a child to question their personal value. Some may end up thinking: “Am I just like the plants in this house? Maybe even the plants get more loving attention.”
As an Adult Child moves into adulthood, they may hear that critical voice day in and day out internally. It can be relentless. In therapy, one learns to begin to detach from that voice, perhaps even have care towards it. And this is the beginning of a journey towards finding a new internal loving tape.
The inner loving parent voice for adult children is a nurturing and supportive voice that is compassionate and encourages resilience and some grit (without gritting one’s teeth per se.) Consider positive, loving interactions that are seen between others every day; whether this is seen on the playground between mother and child, seen on a favorite TV show or in a favorite book, the Adult Child begins to find a reference for this inner voice that is understanding, patient, loving and holding. This same voice provides safety and support for all feeling experiences, encouraging feelings to be felt and held rather than changed or condemned.
An internal loving parent voice may begin to say: "It’s okay to feel this way; your feelings are valid," or "Even though you made a mistake, I love you anyway” or “What did I learn from this situation to go in stronger next time?” The inner loving parent voice will choose self-care, well-being, hobbies, fun activities, healthy eating and rest, positive socializing and all beautiful experiences necessary to live a full, loving and peaceful existence. The voice will point out strengths and accept flaws (which is true to being a human anyway.) Moreover, it may serve as a guide during moments of self-doubt and treat challenges as learning experiences.
Cultivating this inner loving parent voice can lead to improved self-esteem and a healthier relationship with oneself and others. If you begin the active work of self-exploration, it is wholly possible to develop this voice. Practicing tuning into this voice in some way every day can be a healing venture for the ACoA. One may start with affirmations even if this is trying on a line (you’re system won’t know any different!) or you can start by envisioning or playing with combining features to make a nurturing presence or parental figure internally that you can call upon. Any which way, developing this voice can be an on-going process in a therapeutic relationship.
