Why do Adult Children of Alcoholics Have Low Self-esteem?

How You Grew Up

Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoAs) often grew up in chaotic or thoroughly emotionally reserved homes. You were either parented with the extremes of chaos or control. Children have this utter need to be showered with unconditional love and positive regard every day— this basic need is reflected in not having to necessarily do anything or be a certain way to receive this care and loving attention consistently. Every child is deserving of love and they have a basic right to this love even while they are sleeping, just breathing and … just sitting there. However, in dysfunctional family systems where there is addiction, mental illness or trauma, there is so much focus and preoccupation with the dysfunction its self (subtly or loudly), that there is very little room for the child to receive proper loving, consistent care. And if there is care and love, it is often conditional which sets the child up to perform for it — you must be perfect, get straight As, and never express any emotion besides happiness or you are now bad and undeserving of this love and care. On the flip side, there could be a dynamic where there is emotional neglect; not receiving any kind of love or attention at all. For example, if your parent is fall down drunk, how are they capable of seeing you clearly, let alone able to meet any emotional or physical needs in those moments? There could also be a showering of unrealistic love with no boundaries and no sense of separateness, which may also lead to confusion about worth, value and care.

These dynamics set the Adult Child up with very early beliefs about themselves: “i’m unlovable, not worthy and not valuable.” This plays out in adulthood as Adult Children working VERY hard to try to receive love or be lovable. They excel at their jobs and work 80 hour work weeks (and maybe hate it and hate themselves in the process.) They caretake others with the hopes of finally being valued. Or they might completely go the other way of personal neglect, lacking self-care, motivation and having continual daily thoughts of how they are “bad”, worthless and have overall feelings of misery.

The Work

It’s a long road, but the path is to become your own loving parent (a concept developed by the ACA program and supported by most psychotherapists!) A loving parent loves their child no matter what— through ups and downs, through all feelings and through all experiences. They are present. They hear and see their child clearly. This is necessary reparative work for the Adult Child when they are reparenting themselves.

In therapy (and in ACA if you are a member), you discover your basic value and worth as a person—the same value and worth that every child deserves upon being born. You will develop the tools to create an inner loving parent that can show up when necessary during the day as a guiding force in your life. At first, you may balk at this concept because it’s unusual. When did you have that all-loving, all-encompassing presence in your life? It may take time in developing a relationship with a therapist (and yourself) to begin to trust love, care and support coming your way and to get comfortable with receiving it both internally and externally. Opening up to this love and care is a giant step in the right direction for an ACoA, as its the start of laying a foundation for developing self-esteem and self-worth.

The Fruition

The hope is that over time, the ACoA can create a new right-sized sense of themselves, worth, value (and values) and their esteem. This is done by creating a new, loving relationship with one’s self and one’s parts (All of them! Even the ones that create shame and self-hatred!) See Dick Schwartz’ work in No Bad Parts for more information. Moreover, one would begin to move away from “other-esteem” — Pia Mellody does a fantastic job in this video speaking of the development of self-esteem and other-esteem.

If you’d like to work on your self-esteem, self-love or self-care, reach out for a free 15 minute consult to discuss working with Heather — limited slots left!