ACoA (Adult Children of Alcholics) Coping Strategy — How to Say No and Mean It
NYC Therapist Heather Coleman, LCSW writes about ACoA’s (Adult Children) setting boundaries, having wants and needs and firmly voicing them.
For an ACoA, it may feel as though we want to throw-up when we need to say “No.” After all, Adult Children commonly grow up in environments where their needs are secondary — and when it comes to voicing them, setting boundaries, and saying No — perhaps, that opportunity may not have been granted or taught in their home life.
3 Ways to Say “No”
Saying No, standing up for one’s self, and sometimes knowing what you want can be the hardest thing. But here are some tools to practice in therapy or at home:
Start saying No to easy(ier) things to say No to
Listening to the “I want” voices in your head or body before they get vetoed by guilt or analysis
Practice in a mirror or looking at an empty chair
Start Saying No to Easy(ier) Things to Say No To
Maybe it’s easy for you to say No to the salad dressing that disgusts you the most at your local salad bar. Maybe it’s easy for you to feel out that you don’t want to go to that horror movie with your friend because you don’t love how anxious it makes you. Either way, starting with something doable to say “No” to is just good practice. You’ll know, because there will be specific signals in your body that tell you to lean away. Higher level No’s may come with authority figures, saying No to a project at work, communicating No to a partner, etc. So we start in the easiest place to start. For the longest time, I found it quite difficult to get off the phone while I was having a conversation I didn’t really want to be having. Now it’s much easier to say Goodbye having practice “lower level no’s” for myself.
Read Also: Why It May Be Hard for ACoA’s to Feel Feelings
Listening to “I want” Voices in Our Heads or Bodies
We all usually have Wants and Needs that show up in our minds and bodies — the way that this shows up can be very unique to the individual. Sometimes it comes up as the words “I want”, sometimes it’s a leaning towards something, butterflies, giddyness, a change in tone and voice, your face going flush, maybe a feeling of excitement or longing. In Alcoholic families, often your own wants or needs were not seen clearly — they got mushed up with someone else’s wants or needs, or maybe parents were withdrawn, rejecting, isolated themselves, maybe wants/needs were inconsistently met.
Whatever the background, the current dilemma may be that it’s hard to communicate this in adult relationships. So the start might just be starting to identify those wants and needs in the body or in thoughts. Sometimes, you then might notice that there is a voice that vetoes the desire after it arise — usually in the felt package of guilt or shame. This is not problematic but just an indicator that you might be interested in taking care of yourself–the more you practice wanting and putting yourself first, the more guilt and shame might arise.
Read Also: ACoA and Relationships
Practice Looking in a Mirror or at an Empty Chair
You can start these dialogues that you want to be having in the comfort of your own home or in a therapist’s office. You can practice by stating Nos, Wants or Needs by looking in the mirror (as silly as this sounds) or at an Empty Chair (which may sound even sillier.) You can even place someone in the chair that you might need to talk to. Or you can even place your own desire/wants/needs in the chair as see what happens — that might be an interesting conversation! However it goes, it’s helpful to track how this feels for you and to be mindful of the process of how this is in your body and mind. Do you notice any feeling sensations? Any thoughts, beliefs or judgments that arise? After all–saying No might take a little umph, a little anger–and this is all Ok to start to notice and work with.
Personal Boundaries in Group Therapy
Lastly, it may be helpful practicing setting boundaries, stating wants and needs, in a therapy group where other people are trying this out as well. Hopefully, this can be done in an embodied way to feel out and experience how this is in a group setting for you–it’s a safe place to play it out with other people and get their feedback.
Call Heather at 347-708-6177 to set up an appointment
Heather Coleman, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in practice for the past 15 years. She specializes in working with Adult Children. She also is trauma-informed and takes a mindfulness approach to her work with clients both individually and in the group.
Follow Heather on Instagram @themindfulacoa
